Mystery Number 1

It is widely celebrated these days that the proper method for measuring coffee is by weight.

Image: zirconicusso / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Thus, each day I measure out 20 grams of coffee for my single-cup, hand-poured morning ritual, ere I throw said beans into the burr grinder which has been carefully calibrated to grind just the right sized beans for my #2 cone filter.

However, coffee bean weight is determined, to no little extent, by the water naturally present in the bean. When you roast a coffee bean, one effect of the roasting process is that the bean dries out.

The longer you roast the bean, the drier–and therefore lighter!–the bean becomes.

This means that the darker your roast, the greater volume of beans necessary to add up to the same weight.

You following all this?

This means, that if you’re weighing your coffee, you will use more beans to make the same amount of coffee when those beans are darker and stronger to begin with–the very time you might think of backing off the volume in order to produce a well balanced cup of coffee.

So here’s the question: should we, in fact, measure coffee by volume rather than weight in order to produce more consistent coffee? Or, alternatively, should we vary the weight of coffee such that fewer grams are in play for darker roasts and more for lighter roasts?

Mystery Number 2

Do you find that your emotions run on a spectrum from good to bad? or on a parabola of intensity from high to low?

The way we normally talk about emotions is, I think, on a spectrum from good to bad: I’m so excited nothing could bring me down! and the like.

But I see in myself and certain little people I’m around regularly that emotions are often more like a parabola: there is an “up” of intensity that can one minute be excitement, another utter frustration.

Image: Mr. Pi

The slide isn’t from up to down, but a move from the “up” that we experience positively to the “upward intensity” of negative emotion. The “downward slide” from intense expectation to bitter disappointment isn’t a downward slide so much as it is a horizontal move from really intense eagerness to really intense disappointment.

Kids melting down on Christmas morning isn’t a crash so much as it’s a maintenance of the intensity without a positive direction to channel it.

Thoughts?

Mystery Number 3

How does a ballet bun with this much awesomeness end up falling out into a ponytail two minutes later?

These are great mysteries, my friends. Together, I think we can work them out.

What say you?

Both are t-shirts.

First, in honor of my breakfast making, E’s obsession with, and Halloween dressing, as Darth Vader, together with E’s choice of an “I am your father” Father’s Day card, there was this:

Then, in honor of… well.. my singular focus when it comes to music, there was this:

I commend them both for your consideration, and for your further insight into the man behind the blog.

Enjoy.

The word is peliculate.

peliculate. verb. intransitive. to watch a movie. (from the Spanish, película: movie)

Why introduce another word into the English language? Because we have no elegant verb for watching movies.

Consider, for example, the song lyric, “Won’t you Charleston with me?” Note how seamlessly we could sing, “Won’t you peliculate with me?” whereas, “Won’t you watch a movie with me,” is entirely too clunky.

And although movie revenue might be down, most of us still peliculate on a regular basis, and peliculation remains an important dynamic in current American culture.

So please, let’s adopt this neologism as a salutary addition to our vocabularies. I don’t know about you, but after a long week there’s little I like better than crashing with the wife for a little peliculation.

You see, at heart I want everyone to have something to grab onto that really works for them. And so, to celebrate this everyman spirit that I hope will define Storied Theology, here is a celebration of “something for everyone.”

First, for those of you with a sweet tooth, or who are theologically committed to the vision of a land flowing with honey, we have a celebration of mead:

Land Flowing with Milk and Honey Mead

But I realize that on the other side of the spectrum, many of you are simply not going to be happy with anything you can see through. In the slightest. But this doesn’t mean that your life is filled with bitterness, no matter how dark things might be. So for you, a celebration of chocolate oatmeal stout:

Man of the Cloth Choc-Oat-Chip Stout

Still others of you celebrate neither honey nor chocolate but rather the natural fruits of the earth. And so, with all its citrus overtones and the copper color of that is Americana, behold the celebration of the American Pale Ale:

Nipples of Mary Pale Ale

But I understand that still others need to remember that God is at the center of all things. In honor of the life devoted to God, we remember how our brethren in the abbey devoted themselves to cultivating the good gifts of the earth. And so, the Belgian Abbey style dopple red:

Stigmata Abbey Red

Bitterness and gall defines not a few of my loyal readers. And it would be remiss of me not to celebrate your place in the body as well. Wife put a heart on top to underscore that the heart is as bitter as the IPA:

Bitternes and Gall IPA

Finally, there are those of you whose high Christology is only going to be honored by a beer named after the eternal Logos himself. And so, the beer whose name we might imagine is so derived. Behold the Lager!

Not-So-Eternal Logos Lager

The point, as I hope you have noticed by now, is that at heart my desire is that we all find something to celebrate together. I realize that the body had many members, and all do not offer the same things, nor do all receive the same things. And so, a celebration of a little something for everyone. Let’s not bicker and argue.

But just in case these creations of mine have left you still wanting more, I have one other creation lying around the house that we can all enjoy, whatever we might drink alongside of it.

When my family lived in Spain, the Armed Forces Radio and Television Service (affectionately called “A-FaRTS” in the Kirk house) was one of the syndicates for the Dr. Demento radio show. It was a weekly show where you could hear great stuff like Weird Al Yankovic songs, “Dead Puppies,” “Fish Heads,” and the like.

The very first time we discovered the program, my mom had turned on the radio just in time to catch the last half of a song whose only line I remembered was, “Forty shots rang out, and forty people fell; yeah they had missed each other but they shot that town to Hell.” I also recalled that the protagonist was named Cow Patty.

I’d thought about that song off and on over the past 25 years. But I never heard it again. I searched for it online a few times, but to no avail.

Until today.

That song that, by introducing me to Dr. Demento, helped cement in my mind the eternal value of changing the lyrics of songs, and of song as a means of loving mockery, I heard today for just the second time ever, and for the first time in its entirety. And here, I share it with you.

You’re welcome.

Now tell me, wasn’t that one worth waiting a quarter of a century for? In fact, I might wait another quarter century before I listen to it again…

First, I knew it was going to be a good trip from the first morning, when I saw the following posted over a toilet in the men’s room:

Potty Guidance

Helpful instructions, however, were not to be limited to those benefiting the cleaning staff. They also extend to your personal safety:

Stair Safety

Some of what I saw, however, caused me great concern. For instance, if I were your ancestor, I’m not entirely sure I would consider this visage to be an honoring remembrance:

Honored Ancestor

On the other hand, this god was clearly known for his extraordinary… um… “gift”… and is no doubt proud of the statue in his honor.

Serious Game

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words because it captures a few dozen words that are, themselves, more telling than they know. Not only does alcohol, it seems, have tremendous purchasing power. It appears to have gone to the head of this sign’s would-be editor:

Gin fro (sic) Guns

Finally, there is now a definitive answer for all those inquisitive children of ours who ask the big question that inevitably flusters the unsuspecting parent. “Papa, where do babies come from?” Funny you should ask…

Where Babies Come From!

There is a notion that complete impartiality is the most fitting and indeed the normal disposition for true exegesis, because it guarantees a complete absence of prejudice. For a short time, around 1910, this idea threatened to achieve almost canonical status in Protestant theology. But now we can quite calmly describe it as merely comical.

I laughed. I cried. That was brilliant, brother Karl!

Of course, Barth also maintains that biblical hermeneutics set the stage for all human communication. I wonder if he’d be willing to say that “objectivity” is a false goal when speaking and listening to our fellow non-scripture-writing humans as well?

I laughed.

I cried.

More than one of you promised to dismiss, expose, not read, or otherwise ensure that Scandrette’s purposes in writing would not be fulfilled. Of course, it was from such a pool that the winner had to be chosen. That’s just how the world works.

In the end, it was regional stereotyping and the promise of a functional, material usage of the book that won the day.

Bryan Walker said:

I need this book! I am a functional illiterate in Tennessee, and one leg of my picnic table is too short. If I had this book, then all of our round foods would stay on the table.

Congratulations, Bryan! The book is yours!

I have a circular saw. This means, of course, that I can build anything I want to. I can sit down and lay out plans for a tree house, buy the wood, fit the joints, and make the whole thing level, safe, and sturdy.

I have a baseball bat. This means, of course, that at any given moment I could jump onto the local softball team and become their ringer. Every time I step up to the plate I can get on base, and I usually get a hit. I have a bat, after all.

I also have an encyclopedia at my fingertips. This means, of course, that I know a little bit about almost everything in the world. I know about all the presidents, all the countries, and all the bacteria that cause diseases.

I also have a smart phone. This means, of course, that anytime I wanted to I could create a spaceship to put people on the moon. My EVO4G is more powerful than any mainframe they had way back in the ’60s. I’m amazing. I have power untold at my fingertips.

I also have access to Accordance and Bibleworks. This means, of course, that I know everything I need to know about the Greek language. I can translate and parse and investigate what words really mean. I can preach from the Greek and Hebrew. And I can probably write a grammar.

I’m so awesome because I have awesome tools. And once you have tools, what further need do you have for knowledge or skills?